I had a moment in the shower today.
"I hated the fact I need to depend on others, the fact that I am now helpless and in need of constant help. I miss being able to do everything on my own, minding my own business, not thinking about the consequences on others."
Yeah. Those who knew me would be acknowledged that I can do things on my own. I am that independent. I sometimes chose to be dependent on you, because I want you to stay in my life longer. Come on, I went to Sydney all by myself, taking the flight to a foreign land all by myself and not a single tear was shed, and I remembered not being scared at all.
During this confinement period, my heart ached and longed to be that girl again. I wanted to be that carefree and adventurous again but people changed over time, right? What am I kidding? I can no longer be her, I can only be myself now and I should start being thankful for all these things I have.
This confinement actually is a learning process for me; to learn to seek help from others. To let me learn to believe and trust people surrounding me to do things for me. To allow people to care for me. Ah, not to forget, it's for me to learn how to pamper myself. To be frank, I forgot how it felt like when people prepare meals for me, did all the house chores for me and all I need to do was rest. I forgot how it felt like, and this 44-day experience will remind me. Well, I didn’t say I didn’t like them, just that I am getting some difficulties accepting the help. I disliked the ideas that somebody had to hassle for me. I felt like a burden which I shouldn’t. But I did and I am still trying to stop thinking like that.
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Knowing about post-partum depression is not really helping actually. Sometimes I think I want to be diagnosed with that, which is very bad thinking. Which in fact, I am just tired and was stressed with the new environment and had some difficulties in adapting. Sometimes, when my mood was normal, I won't get easily irritated. Whatever people said or did, won’t affect me. But when someone triggered or remind me to have feelings, to be sensitive, then everything would be so wrong. A simple remark by someone, would definitely made me feel so worthless and I will start to play the slippery slope of how unimportant myself are. These are the unhealthy habits that I should get rid of. If anyone has any ideas how to do it, please share them with me yeah?
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I got 3 more weeks to go. Do pray that I can go through them with positivity and happiness yeah?
Take care.