things you wrote when you're frustrated with life

Hello, I was skimming through my journal just now and I suddenly I was crying after reading what I wrote. There is one draft I've written, I don't know when exactly, but quite recently I think that re-reading what I wrote, made me cried.

Can't believe I've written with emotion and it reached me again.

Thought of sharing it here, since I've never shown this side of me to you, so enjoy reading, but do keep in mind, things did end well. So, don't worry so much. After all, what's happiness without sadness?

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Tonight is another night. My chest feels heavy. And my eyes are full of tears as I am writing this. 

I have a pretty rough day at work today.

I just wanted to tell someone about it. Just someone who will listen without giving me remarks like 'Peliknya' to my ideas, or 'You should not think that way' to what I say.

When someone did that to me, I feel so worthless and feels so stupid that a tiny part of me is screaming to disappear. I wanted to sleep now but I have to wait till Isya', so I guess writing here will make myself feel better, perhaps? Since maybe there are one or two of you who would read this and say nothing.

I am crying writing this and my chest hurts, no kidding. Sakit, I cannot believe the pain is physical now. Is it bad that I was praying to God to make everything ends right before berbuka just now? Since I saw someone tweeted that the prayer made before breaking fast will definitely be granted. So, it is okay for me to pray that the suffering will ends right? Oh, no. I didn’t pray for that. I prayed that everything will end, more like I am wishing for my death.

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I have 2 current projects, that I am in charge of the procurement and claiming. I have to admit, my progress in this area is a bit slow because I am not familiar with the work sequence. The SOP is not clear. So, a few of them is pushing for progress today. Well, mostly it stuck because the other people do not give me the input, but what excuses are relevant to the bosses anyway right? IT IS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT CHASING THEM.

One is asking me to do claim and procurement and alternative costing for one project within this week. Another is asking me to check if the current cost for the project has exceeded the budget or not, and when it does, start worrying me while the budget didn’t come from me. How the hell am I supposed to know? "But you supposed to know, you should ask."

On top of current projects, I am doing tenders, Now in hand = three tenders. Yes, only for one tender, that I am directly in charge to prepare the costing for electrical services which I had to finish in less than a week. Another tender, my task is just helping to do the take-off, but I can foresee sooner or later this project will be under my responsibility as well.

And another submitted tender, now they wanted us to propose alternative costing, which means I have to redesign some of the things.

And yes guys, all of these things happened at the same time.

Yes guys, already highlighted to the bosses that these are too much task given to me, but you know what they always say 'Ya ya, you ask those and those to help you.' Then the circle began. Those people will say okay first, then they cannot do, by then they will come back to you saying they cannot do, and who has to do? In the end, it is you. Funny ey?

But the incident that really screws my mood was when my manager scolded me for not attending a workshop; when his email to us said 'Please attend if you are not too occupied with work'. So for god sake, you just gimme additional task 5 minutes ago and you are screaming to me for not going to the workshop? And when I explained the situation and he kept on saying 'we promised to support them so it is bad la if none of us go. You should just go'. And you tried to dismiss him and try to do your work when your director called you in suddenly asking 'WHAT HAPPENED WHAT HAPPENED? WHY YOU DIDN’T GO?' "You said yesterday, do not go if they could not confirm the seats. I've called on the number in the email every day, and I emailed her as well, but no reply." 'NO! YOU SHOULD FIGURE OUT HOW TO REACH HER. YOU SHOULD INFORM ME.' (I DID, YESTERDAY) "YOU SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE YOU KNOW, LATER THEY WILL THINK THAT WE ARE NOT SERIOUS WHEN WE SAY WE WANTED TO SUPPORT THEM."

Yeah. It's my fault now.

I walked out from them room mumbling the above sentence and guess what? The manager laughed, 'See I told you. What he says?' F*** off la. These old people. You don’t even know how to get your forgotten credit card pin and you think you are good?????

Haih.

I was covering the director secretary for a few days already. Do that and those, yes including printing & photocopying things for him. So effing tired.

Imagine being tired and all. So you went home.

And when you got home, you received messages from one of the project managers, asking why you didn’t submit the claim. Because why? His boss is pressuring him. And the fact is the very same boss was the one who to ask me to do so many other things. You see the cycle now?

I hate this company. No, I hate the management. I hate the toxicity of these people are spreading. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am doing. I despise people who said 'we can do we can do' and then torture their subordinate to do that and that. I hate these people who are very good at taking advantages of others. I hate them.

Tired. That just all.

My wise brain is telling me that if I don’t take care of myself, nobody else will. And that I can choose to ignore all this sadness and be happy. But it is not easy. To do a wise thing is never easy. But I hope I can pass through this. I can, I will.