4 days to 2020

Hi.

Phew.

It has been a very long time since my previous post. I was really busy then I guess, well, with work and balancing life between being a wife and daughter-in-law while being the eldest child, a friend and well everything else haha.

Anas and I, we moved to a new place, somewhere nearer to my office which is very convenient I tell ya. Compared to those long drive from Gombak to Damansara, this new location is so easy for me to go around. Alhamdulillah.

It's been more than 4 months now. <3

I'm actually on my end-year leave this whole week and we both actually went to Genting Highlands last Tuesday, and it was magical. The whole road going up was foggy, lucky Anas was driving else I'll be panicking haha. We had it for a day-trip so we went to try the indoor theme parks, which well, to our disappointment, have yet to open their roller-coaster rides to public. Their 4D cinema was just as good as 10+ years ago, I enjoyed the cinema very well. All in all? Go early to Genting if you at least want to go for more rides 'cause starting noon, there will be a lot of people queuing and you might need to wait until 45 mins for a 2-3 mins ride. So, plan your time wisely ok?

**

Oh!

Actually what I wanted to write in this post was never about the Genting trip, it was about what I observed the other days.

You know, if you pay attention when you are at the public places,

you'll notice a father that stopped eating when his child cried, and played with the child, letting the mother eat at her time peacefully, while scrolling phone and catching up with the world,

you'll notice that some people considered eating out is a luxury, that they are very hesitant in their order,

you'll notice a mother who let the father choose the menu for the night and just eat out accordingly,

you'll notice a father who listens attentively to his children while the mother enjoys her bowl of dessert,

you'll notice a wife who let the husband pray first, while she safeguards the groceries they just bought but at the same time, you'll see another couple, where husband let his wife prayed first,

and too, you'll notice a mother who had to bring the baby with her while she prays, because there's no one to take care of the baby meanwhile,

you'll notice a child who was embarrassed when her father was being rude to the waiter,

you'll notice a couple, where the guy has to carry luggage, shopping bag, girl's handbag, while the girl brings practically nothing with her, oh wait, she had her phone with her,

you'll notice some ignorant people who saw an old woman struggling to wear her pair of shoes while standing, while them sitting on the bench near the shoe rack,

you'll notice some waiters, they did not know that by saying "please be patient, that customer over there is also waiting" does nothing but give the customer more dissatisfaction,

you'll notice a whole lot more things, and you'll learn to appreciate what's on your plate.

***

with this, I end my post.

I humbly apologise for all my wrongdoings to you, if there are things that are still unsettled, please let me know so that we can clear it off and start afresh.

Make your last few days in 2019 counts and may all of you start your 2020 with a positive mindset and have a lovely year ahead guys and girls. :)

p/s: You'll never know when I'll be coming back here again right? haha.

T-27 days

"So, apa perasaan kau tinggal lagi sebulan je?"

Diam.

"Ke tak ada perasaan pun? Haha"

Senyum.

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Hello, how are you guys? How was Eid this year? Was it any good? Hope it is :') Mine was good, had the opportunity to celebrate it in Kelantan. Alhamdulillah. Got to meet aunties, uncles, cousins, babies and so many others that I haven't seen for a long time. (This will happen to you if you're studying abroad and not a frequent hometown-goer) Managed to catch up and yeah, it was good.

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Kembali pada tajuk.

Menghitung hari ni boleh bagi dua kesan pada kau. Sama ada kau tak sabar, sebab tu kau menghitung hari. Atau kau kekurangan masa, jadi kau kena berlekas-lekas. 

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Teringat masa aku memanah dulu. Ada satu game, kena shoot 3 batang anak panah dalam masa dua minit. Aku ingat, masa tu kawan aku masa wakil gombak dulu datang tengok, nak bagi semangat katanya. So, masa tu dah hujung hujung game, aku dah tak ada tenaga sangat. Masa tinggal kurang 30 saat, and aku ada satu batang lagi. Aku ingat, aku withdraw bow aku, tunggu 'clicker' yang kat depan tu click, tapi tak click2. Pastu member belakang aku kira "10, 9, 8 ,7 ,6.." Aku tarik sikit lagi and shoot. Masa tu, nasib baik arrow masuk area kuning haha tengah tak tengah la jugak, so tak malu sangat sebab mmg masa tu aku sorang je kat shooting line. Semua orang literally tengah tunggu aku sudahkan arrow aku. Lepas je arrow aku sampai target, hakim tiup wisel, so kena gerak pergi ambil arrow dekat target board and catit markah. Tapi aku  kena patah balik belakang dulu sebab nak letak bow, sambil tengok member aku;

"Weh, thanks tolong countdown."

'Aku tak tahu patut countdown ke tak sebenarnya, sebab certain orang lagi tak boleh fokus and tambah nervous, nasib baik kau tak.'

"Oh, that countdown help me to push a bit more tadi. Aku tak larat dah haha"

'All good Sab, all good.'

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So, usually, I noticed, I handled countdown very well. During my studies, all these years, having a countdown never made feel nervous. Never affected me, never actually scares me. By having one, my productivity increased.

But this time around, it felt different.

I am nervous, (a good one though) but nervous. It scares me a little, but at the same time, I am excited. Counting days to the day gives me mixed feelings. Can't help it, I keep on thinking about so many things. The smaller the number became, the feelings got more tangled.

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That random sunset on Quadrangle grasses

Aku tahu, aku tak patut rasa takut. Orang yang akan pegang tangan aku nanti, inshaAllah, yang terbaik untuk aku. Dan aku doa banyak-banyak yang dia kekal yang terbaik untuk aku.

Cuma, kadang-kadang, malam malam macam ni, aku tak boleh nak elak. Untuk rasa asing. Rasa macam...haha aku pun tak tahu nak describe, cuma rasa sesuatu la haha :p

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"Sabrina, do you know that being human is a tough job?"

'Yeah I do.'

"Why? Why you said so?"

'Because being human, you have to make decisions. You have to care about your surroundings. You have to consider a lot of things. So yep, it's difficult.'

"Yes, that's why if you get a chance to be reborn, pray that you'll get reborn as an animal or trees, but not human."

Smiled.

'Actually no, if you ask me, I still want to be reborn as a human. There are just so many things so beautiful in it.'

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'Sesungguhnya Kami telah menciptakan manusia dalam bentuk yang sebaik-baiknya'-- At-Tin 95:4 

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Coming back to the title?

Tonight, still 27 days to the next phase in my life.

May Allah ease everything for me. And you too. Aminnn.

things you wrote when you're frustrated with life

Hello, I was skimming through my journal just now and I suddenly I was crying after reading what I wrote. There is one draft I've written, I don't know when exactly, but quite recently I think that re-reading what I wrote, made me cried.

Can't believe I've written with emotion and it reached me again.

Thought of sharing it here, since I've never shown this side of me to you, so enjoy reading, but do keep in mind, things did end well. So, don't worry so much. After all, what's happiness without sadness?

******************************************************

Tonight is another night. My chest feels heavy. And my eyes are full of tears as I am writing this. 

I have a pretty rough day at work today.

I just wanted to tell someone about it. Just someone who will listen without giving me remarks like 'Peliknya' to my ideas, or 'You should not think that way' to what I say.

When someone did that to me, I feel so worthless and feels so stupid that a tiny part of me is screaming to disappear. I wanted to sleep now but I have to wait till Isya', so I guess writing here will make myself feel better, perhaps? Since maybe there are one or two of you who would read this and say nothing.

I am crying writing this and my chest hurts, no kidding. Sakit, I cannot believe the pain is physical now. Is it bad that I was praying to God to make everything ends right before berbuka just now? Since I saw someone tweeted that the prayer made before breaking fast will definitely be granted. So, it is okay for me to pray that the suffering will ends right? Oh, no. I didn’t pray for that. I prayed that everything will end, more like I am wishing for my death.

***

I have 2 current projects, that I am in charge of the procurement and claiming. I have to admit, my progress in this area is a bit slow because I am not familiar with the work sequence. The SOP is not clear. So, a few of them is pushing for progress today. Well, mostly it stuck because the other people do not give me the input, but what excuses are relevant to the bosses anyway right? IT IS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT CHASING THEM.

One is asking me to do claim and procurement and alternative costing for one project within this week. Another is asking me to check if the current cost for the project has exceeded the budget or not, and when it does, start worrying me while the budget didn’t come from me. How the hell am I supposed to know? "But you supposed to know, you should ask."

On top of current projects, I am doing tenders, Now in hand = three tenders. Yes, only for one tender, that I am directly in charge to prepare the costing for electrical services which I had to finish in less than a week. Another tender, my task is just helping to do the take-off, but I can foresee sooner or later this project will be under my responsibility as well.

And another submitted tender, now they wanted us to propose alternative costing, which means I have to redesign some of the things.

And yes guys, all of these things happened at the same time.

Yes guys, already highlighted to the bosses that these are too much task given to me, but you know what they always say 'Ya ya, you ask those and those to help you.' Then the circle began. Those people will say okay first, then they cannot do, by then they will come back to you saying they cannot do, and who has to do? In the end, it is you. Funny ey?

But the incident that really screws my mood was when my manager scolded me for not attending a workshop; when his email to us said 'Please attend if you are not too occupied with work'. So for god sake, you just gimme additional task 5 minutes ago and you are screaming to me for not going to the workshop? And when I explained the situation and he kept on saying 'we promised to support them so it is bad la if none of us go. You should just go'. And you tried to dismiss him and try to do your work when your director called you in suddenly asking 'WHAT HAPPENED WHAT HAPPENED? WHY YOU DIDN’T GO?' "You said yesterday, do not go if they could not confirm the seats. I've called on the number in the email every day, and I emailed her as well, but no reply." 'NO! YOU SHOULD FIGURE OUT HOW TO REACH HER. YOU SHOULD INFORM ME.' (I DID, YESTERDAY) "YOU SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE YOU KNOW, LATER THEY WILL THINK THAT WE ARE NOT SERIOUS WHEN WE SAY WE WANTED TO SUPPORT THEM."

Yeah. It's my fault now.

I walked out from them room mumbling the above sentence and guess what? The manager laughed, 'See I told you. What he says?' F*** off la. These old people. You don’t even know how to get your forgotten credit card pin and you think you are good?????

Haih.

I was covering the director secretary for a few days already. Do that and those, yes including printing & photocopying things for him. So effing tired.

Imagine being tired and all. So you went home.

And when you got home, you received messages from one of the project managers, asking why you didn’t submit the claim. Because why? His boss is pressuring him. And the fact is the very same boss was the one who to ask me to do so many other things. You see the cycle now?

I hate this company. No, I hate the management. I hate the toxicity of these people are spreading. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am doing. I despise people who said 'we can do we can do' and then torture their subordinate to do that and that. I hate these people who are very good at taking advantages of others. I hate them.

Tired. That just all.

My wise brain is telling me that if I don’t take care of myself, nobody else will. And that I can choose to ignore all this sadness and be happy. But it is not easy. To do a wise thing is never easy. But I hope I can pass through this. I can, I will.

Have you ever look back?

Looking back 5 years ago, I would most probably be finding ways to cope with my study life and being thousands of kilometres away from home. Yes, April 2014 means that I just reached land down under for 2 months and I think easter break is around the corner that time. I still remember that two days trip to Newcastle, with friends who welcomed me when I first arrived. Experienced my first sandboarding experience there (sand ya, not snow, haven't had any experience playing snow, or at least the ones that I can remember). 

I still remember during my first semester, I had to commute for 30 to 40 minutes on a bus, which can cost me around 150 bucks (or more?) a month. Getting all tired whenever I got home and had to cook dinner when it's my turn and later on had to finished all my assignment and actually study. Can't really stayed up late 'cause I'll be extremely sleepy the following day, and I just cannot miss my bus or I might miss my class. Those 8 am classes, how I hate them so much 'cause sometimes I had to run on these stairs just to reach my class. God! It is super tiring. 

Captured on first sight of my university. (can see from how 'centered' it is)
This is the stairs that I climb almost every morning

Let's not start talking about when I got harassed a few times when walking alone. Phew, memories that I really wished to disappear. 

And those time during my first semester when I had to learn an alien language (read: coding). That was a massive disaster I tell you. I had no such talent, no such comprehension on coding (now got a bit, I think haha) so every single time I had to finish my assignment, I would be crying silently in my shower. ( HAHAHAHA I KNOW IT IS SUPER SAD BUT HAHA THAT'S THE BEST PLACE TO CRY MAN!) 

But I survived that phase. 

Fast forward next 5 years, I am here. Finished my degree (after a few episodes of drama) and now in the phase of WORKING ADULT. 

This is a longer phase, that for sure, it would not be just 4 years like my degree. It would be longer, at least 6 years, or more, I don't know. One thing I am sure of is that I am holding on to myself now. I do not want to fall into being someone who lives life mindlessly, who do things out of routine without understanding the reason(s) behind it. 

I know my coping mechanism, I know things that will work for me (this blog for instance), and I want to start doing it again. I wanted to love myself more, I wanted to build myself, and I want to make this choice, to be happy. 

Oh, and yes, the 20-year old Sabrina used to hold to this phrase, and I stumbled upon it again, can't remember from where exactly, but we choose, we choose to be happy. And choosing is not just simply a decision without action, we have to make it happen. So, go travel, if that will make you happy; have a good cup of coffee, or watch a good movie, or stayed in and write a blog, do it, whatever it takes, when you decided to be happy. 

Have good weekend guys and girls. 

Take care.

senang-susah-bersama ; easy-difficult-together

"Susah sama-sama tu memang confirm, memang akan susah sama-sama."

Unavoidable. Without a doubt, we will have to struggle together.

*****

I paid a visit to a close friend today, on my way to office from Cyberjaya. Well, since I suck at texting so haha I randomly called her to visit her at her office! It was a good catch up I think, I hope she can feel the warmth and support I am sending to her. Anyhow, we talked a lot this morning. And those sentences came outta my mouth, not exactly that but something like that.

You have to accept that when you decided to be in a relationship/friendship with someone, you will go through hardships and trials, with them. It is without a doubt, that life would still be full of challenges, the difference is you'll have a hand to hold to.

Yes, it is super truly difficult to see someone you care, someone, you love, to be drowning in a mess that you might not, or might be responsible for. Sometimes, you feel it is unfair for you to drag them and hold them, but it is much more unfair if you decided to push them away when they really wanted to stay.

'Things is not going to be easy, but if we can stick to each other, everything is gonna be fine.' :')

People wanted to be by you, with you. You should let them, 'cause they want you to stay with them as well. It's never a one-sided thing, I want to stay, and I know truly you wanted to stay as well. So? We just to try and make things work.

'Susah senang sama-sama. Susah sama-sama memang wajibul ghunnah. Tapi susah sama-sama, bahagia pun sama-sama. Berkongsi rasa, ya, mungkin itu maksudnya.'

Makin lama, makin rasa erti persahabatan, erti suatu perhubungan. Tuhan betul sayangkan kita kan? Tengok sekeliling pun tahu dah, penuh kasih sayang <3

I pray that each of you reading this would be shower with love and strength, stronger bonds to go through whatever is coming in front of you.

Take care and goodnight.

*****

p/s: Ya, sis dah laju menaip sebab sis finally tukar SSD laptop. 

Harddisk laptop haritu rosak rupanya, kehkeh xp

On the 48th day of 2019

Bismillah. 

Hopefully, this attempt for a new entry in 2019 will be a success.

Hi everyone! How are you all doing? Hopefully all good yeah, if not, hang in there yeah? So yeah, I hope it is still not too late to write a summary of my 2018 (and also maybe my hopes for 2019?) 

But first thing first, I would like to apologize for not updating this blog more frequently. I was caught up with adulthood (dramatic much haha) but really, work has totally eat up a lot of my time (and my guy also :p) 

Bondi Beach, 2018

So, I’ll try to share a few points I’ve collected in 2018; 

• Work will always be work. It will be never-ending and if you did not decide where is your limit, then you’ll be having a very stressful situation and never fulfilling. 

• It’s okay to do something that you used to announce not to do. Like, if you used to go around telling people that you will never eat an avocado, but after years hating it without trying it, one day, you discover that it tastes good. At this moment, don’t be afraid to admit that you’re changing your stand. Don’t worry about what other people would say, ‘cause you’re never in control of it. So, suck up and eat as much avocado and just be happy. If you’re lucky, those around you might even share the excitement with you and share the avocados with you. 

• It’s okay to be afraid and to be in a state of not knowing what to do. It’s okay if things in your life is too overwhelming and you needed to cry about it. It’s okay. It’s okay to tell this to your closest ones. They will at least share the burden with you, so at least you can be strong for real, and not just pretending. (Thank you awak sebab selalu suruh saya bercerita hihi) 

• Everything in life is a phase. You’ll have to beat your ego and your negative side so that you can grow and move to the next phase. If you fall into your negative and endless thoughts about how incompetent, unworthy, useless etc, STOP. Stop at that instant and just stop. Stop your thinking process. You don’t need to try to be positive or whatnot; just stop the negative thoughts, trust me, it will do you good. That's it. 

• You have to learn to accept people for who they are. You can never expect someone who was brought up in certain ways (different than yours) to be having the same thinking method as you. You cannot expect your close friend to be okay with everything you do, because you feel like that. You have to accept that people have their preferences, but also keep in mind, those preferences changes! People change, so are you. Don't forget that. 

I think 5 points is enough of reflection ey? 

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Sorry guys, I am thinking too much at the moment. Too much. Very much actually. So, as my 4th point. I am going to stop thinking and just gonna post this entry tonight. (since among of thoughts is I should not expose myself like this) so yeah everyone, I'll write more soon. 

Bye, good night!