Work-life balance.

Thoughts...

Last Thursday, I went back at 9.30 pm, and after driving halfway and passing through a dark area, then only I realized that I didn’t turn my car headlights. *facepalm* I was driving mindlessly for 15 minutes in the dark! No wonder people seem to be driving towards me, like as if they want to hit me. So careless *smh

Then on Friday, whenever I stopped for the traffic light to turn green, I closed my eyes for a few seconds but still sane enough to immediately tell myself that I shouldn’t do that because I’ll sleep and might go ‘langgar’ a wall or someone. So dangerous. And I was actually half crying thinking about the reason for this misery. I keep on asking myself, why do I have to do something like this? Is this actually normal for everyone else? Do fathers have to go through this kinda things to feed their family? For what reason am I holding on that pushed me to work this hard? Why?

*sigh

I just want a normal and relaxed life. Don’t want to be tempted by my peers who keep on building their career but eventually, I was tempted. I think I want to show others that I am able to cope with all these stress and pressure. That I will exceed their expectations of me - being a fresh graduate - who usually cannot cope with tons of workloads.

Haih.

I’m not liking who I turned out to be. Always not home. Always going off to work, always out and about. I miss being at home, with mum and dad. Doing pretty much nothing, just being at home. But yeah. I can’t expect things gonna be the same. I’ll have a family of my own soon (inshaAllah) and have to stand on my own feet.

Just that, I don’t like being this absentminded-er person (since I am already naturally one), it sucks when I give the negative vibes to those surrounding me.

My guy has been very patient with me, I can only repay him with my prayers for his affairs. I can never ask for a better person to be with me at this moment (for until the end, inshaAllah). I am truly grateful for every single thing he did for me, just to make me happy. 😊 Especially when myself feel like giving up on me, each time things are getting difficult and yet, he still manages to make me smile and feel better.

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So, I wrote this on 6th October 2018 when I think I had it bad. But now I came back to revisit on 20th October and it surprised me. I actually broke down in tears on 9th October haha, now that I think about it again, it is funny. I mean, not funny 'funny', it just that I can't believe I cried while finishing a job (that was meant to be done by someone else). Damn, I cried like really bad (yang air mata tumpah atas meja kinda thing sambil betulkan kerja orang haha) so dramatic, so much tears, so much pressure that I totally don't care anymore and can't be bothered that I cried in front of my peers haha....

The thing is I chose to overwork myself. :/  I can actually say no to my boss and explained to him that it is not my scope but instead I didn't say anything. But you guys don't have to worry, now I am starting to explain to him whenever he tried to put more stuff in my already full plate. He understood so far, so it's good.

Lucky, I am so lucky to have good colleagues/friends surrounding me. They understood my struggle and they never stop being caring. They sometimes offered me food when they knew I've been skipping meals, they always asked me to be a little chill whenever I showed too much stress on my face, they always remind me not to stay back too late and ask me to go home when it's already 8 pm. So yeah, I am okay.

And the verse,

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.........." -2:286

come to me again.

He is teaching and testing me with all these yet He surrounds myself with aids (read: love & support) and makes things easy for me as well. Can never be any more grateful for this. :')

I am now slowly accepting the fact that my job is very intense and challenging. Thing phase shall pass anyhow, things are going to be alright inshaAllah. I'll just find my work-life balance in my own way :)

And I pray you will find yours too :)

:)