Merdeka kah kita?

Hi, selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan kawan-kawan.

Hari jumaat yang penuh barakah. Alhamdulillah.

Semoga negara kita terus diberkati dan dirahmati, aminn.

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It was yesterday, during work, around 11 am-ish I think, when I suddenly told my friend that I was glad tomorrow (which is today) is a public holiday. Then he asked,

"Merdeka kah kita?"

And somehow, that question stuck in my head until right now.

Work has been crazy for me for the past two weeks. Had to juggle between four projects, with 3 bosses to communicate and report to, and a whole lot of holidays (which means less time to work in the office). I am tired. That's for sure. Things are getting very very fast for me. A day at work can go by just like that, with me stuck in front of my computer and resolving issues that usually don't involve myself (I am always dragged into things I don't know).

It's hard really. I wonder how people can handle it, with kids, family and all. I just can't really. Getting off from work late will definitely make my parents giving remarks like "Rajinnya kerja.", which is okay for a couple of times, but not every single time I got home late.

Sometimes, I hoped to be living in a shared house. So that, I can just come home to my room and sleep and no more human interaction because my energy always drained at work. Though, usually, conscience come knocking off that thought telling me that I need to be around people who loved me so that I'll be fine and not drown helplessly.

Oh, which reminds me what my director said to me the other day,
"Sabrina, are you 'chocking' now? Am I too fast for you?"

Sigh.

Asking a 6-month old employee to juggle between 4-5 project at the same time is what? Sometimes, I feel like asking my bosses if they're trying to break me. I think they might succeed in a week or so.

So, coming back to the question just now.

"Merdeka kah kita?"

I'm doing my work on a Friday public holiday and worrying about the unfinished jobs, I don't think I've achieved my independence yet. More like a slave to this capitalism. Now, I sounded like I really hate my job.

Well, better go back to work, Monday would be very crucial. My performance that day will define my career growth gradient. Pray for me guys! Pray that it will all goes well.

Gotta go back to work now, BYE!

On my mind

Sejujurnya aku cuma mahu kamu berterus terang.

Aku mahu kau tidak membohongi aku dengan omongan palsu.

Kau, antara manusia yang sewajarnya mengerti betapa aku benci akan manusia yang tidak berpegang pada janji. Pada manusia yang tidak benar-benar jujur dengan aku; yang suka menyembunyikan sesuatu daripada aku seolah-oleh aku ini satu boneka.

Letih sebenarnya.

Jujur, aku penat.

Hati, perassan kamu perlu dijaga. Hati, perasaan dia perlu juga dijaga. Lalu hati aku? Perasaan aku? Keinginan aku? Mana mungkin seorang manusia itu tidak punya perasaan. Tidak berasa sakit taktala teman membuka aibnya.

Manakah salahnya?

Salah aku kah?

Kerana mempercayaimu, walaupun kamu terus mengkhianati.

Aku cuba mengerti apa yang kamu cuba lakukan, tapi aku masih kurang faham. Tindakanmu seolah-olah ingin menjadi Tuhan, ingin mengatur hidup manusia manusia lain. Betul, kita mahu yang terbaik untuk sahabat, keluarga kita. Tapi jangan sampai kita terbawa-bawa dengan semua itu.

Tolong jangan buat keputusan untuk manusia lain.

Terutama tanpa kerelaannya.

Mungkin kau tidak terkesan jika diperlaku sebegitu, tapi aku tak mahu. Aku tak mahu jadi boneka kau, jadi tolong berhenti. Tolong berhenti beritahu aku benda yang aku sudah tahu. Berhenti mengajar aku sesuatu yang perlu aku fahami dengan pengalaman sendiri.

Manusia punya cara dan waktu berbeza untuk belajar sesuatu yang sama.

Kau kau, aku aku.

Jadi, jujur pada aku, apa lagi yang kau aturkan untuk aku?

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Tonight marks the 6-month of me working. Liking it? So far, not really. Hate it? Getting to. Anyhow, we don't always get what we want in life immediately, so fret not. Tough times shall pass. This shall pass and now I should go to sleep. Goodnight.

p/s: Sorry the previous section turned out to be a mix of Malay and Indo. I couldn't bother much.