Work-life balance.

Thoughts...

Last Thursday, I went back at 9.30 pm, and after driving halfway and passing through a dark area, then only I realized that I didn’t turn my car headlights. *facepalm* I was driving mindlessly for 15 minutes in the dark! No wonder people seem to be driving towards me, like as if they want to hit me. So careless *smh

Then on Friday, whenever I stopped for the traffic light to turn green, I closed my eyes for a few seconds but still sane enough to immediately tell myself that I shouldn’t do that because I’ll sleep and might go ‘langgar’ a wall or someone. So dangerous. And I was actually half crying thinking about the reason for this misery. I keep on asking myself, why do I have to do something like this? Is this actually normal for everyone else? Do fathers have to go through this kinda things to feed their family? For what reason am I holding on that pushed me to work this hard? Why?

*sigh

I just want a normal and relaxed life. Don’t want to be tempted by my peers who keep on building their career but eventually, I was tempted. I think I want to show others that I am able to cope with all these stress and pressure. That I will exceed their expectations of me - being a fresh graduate - who usually cannot cope with tons of workloads.

Haih.

I’m not liking who I turned out to be. Always not home. Always going off to work, always out and about. I miss being at home, with mum and dad. Doing pretty much nothing, just being at home. But yeah. I can’t expect things gonna be the same. I’ll have a family of my own soon (inshaAllah) and have to stand on my own feet.

Just that, I don’t like being this absentminded-er person (since I am already naturally one), it sucks when I give the negative vibes to those surrounding me.

My guy has been very patient with me, I can only repay him with my prayers for his affairs. I can never ask for a better person to be with me at this moment (for until the end, inshaAllah). I am truly grateful for every single thing he did for me, just to make me happy. 😊 Especially when myself feel like giving up on me, each time things are getting difficult and yet, he still manages to make me smile and feel better.

****************************************

So, I wrote this on 6th October 2018 when I think I had it bad. But now I came back to revisit on 20th October and it surprised me. I actually broke down in tears on 9th October haha, now that I think about it again, it is funny. I mean, not funny 'funny', it just that I can't believe I cried while finishing a job (that was meant to be done by someone else). Damn, I cried like really bad (yang air mata tumpah atas meja kinda thing sambil betulkan kerja orang haha) so dramatic, so much tears, so much pressure that I totally don't care anymore and can't be bothered that I cried in front of my peers haha....

The thing is I chose to overwork myself. :/  I can actually say no to my boss and explained to him that it is not my scope but instead I didn't say anything. But you guys don't have to worry, now I am starting to explain to him whenever he tried to put more stuff in my already full plate. He understood so far, so it's good.

Lucky, I am so lucky to have good colleagues/friends surrounding me. They understood my struggle and they never stop being caring. They sometimes offered me food when they knew I've been skipping meals, they always asked me to be a little chill whenever I showed too much stress on my face, they always remind me not to stay back too late and ask me to go home when it's already 8 pm. So yeah, I am okay.

And the verse,

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity.........." -2:286

come to me again.

He is teaching and testing me with all these yet He surrounds myself with aids (read: love & support) and makes things easy for me as well. Can never be any more grateful for this. :')

I am now slowly accepting the fact that my job is very intense and challenging. Thing phase shall pass anyhow, things are going to be alright inshaAllah. I'll just find my work-life balance in my own way :)

And I pray you will find yours too :)

:)

Merdeka kah kita?

Hi, selamat menyambut hari kemerdekaan kawan-kawan.

Hari jumaat yang penuh barakah. Alhamdulillah.

Semoga negara kita terus diberkati dan dirahmati, aminn.

**************************************

It was yesterday, during work, around 11 am-ish I think, when I suddenly told my friend that I was glad tomorrow (which is today) is a public holiday. Then he asked,

"Merdeka kah kita?"

And somehow, that question stuck in my head until right now.

Work has been crazy for me for the past two weeks. Had to juggle between four projects, with 3 bosses to communicate and report to, and a whole lot of holidays (which means less time to work in the office). I am tired. That's for sure. Things are getting very very fast for me. A day at work can go by just like that, with me stuck in front of my computer and resolving issues that usually don't involve myself (I am always dragged into things I don't know).

It's hard really. I wonder how people can handle it, with kids, family and all. I just can't really. Getting off from work late will definitely make my parents giving remarks like "Rajinnya kerja.", which is okay for a couple of times, but not every single time I got home late.

Sometimes, I hoped to be living in a shared house. So that, I can just come home to my room and sleep and no more human interaction because my energy always drained at work. Though, usually, conscience come knocking off that thought telling me that I need to be around people who loved me so that I'll be fine and not drown helplessly.

Oh, which reminds me what my director said to me the other day,
"Sabrina, are you 'chocking' now? Am I too fast for you?"

Sigh.

Asking a 6-month old employee to juggle between 4-5 project at the same time is what? Sometimes, I feel like asking my bosses if they're trying to break me. I think they might succeed in a week or so.

So, coming back to the question just now.

"Merdeka kah kita?"

I'm doing my work on a Friday public holiday and worrying about the unfinished jobs, I don't think I've achieved my independence yet. More like a slave to this capitalism. Now, I sounded like I really hate my job.

Well, better go back to work, Monday would be very crucial. My performance that day will define my career growth gradient. Pray for me guys! Pray that it will all goes well.

Gotta go back to work now, BYE!

On my mind

Sejujurnya aku cuma mahu kamu berterus terang.

Aku mahu kau tidak membohongi aku dengan omongan palsu.

Kau, antara manusia yang sewajarnya mengerti betapa aku benci akan manusia yang tidak berpegang pada janji. Pada manusia yang tidak benar-benar jujur dengan aku; yang suka menyembunyikan sesuatu daripada aku seolah-oleh aku ini satu boneka.

Letih sebenarnya.

Jujur, aku penat.

Hati, perassan kamu perlu dijaga. Hati, perasaan dia perlu juga dijaga. Lalu hati aku? Perasaan aku? Keinginan aku? Mana mungkin seorang manusia itu tidak punya perasaan. Tidak berasa sakit taktala teman membuka aibnya.

Manakah salahnya?

Salah aku kah?

Kerana mempercayaimu, walaupun kamu terus mengkhianati.

Aku cuba mengerti apa yang kamu cuba lakukan, tapi aku masih kurang faham. Tindakanmu seolah-olah ingin menjadi Tuhan, ingin mengatur hidup manusia manusia lain. Betul, kita mahu yang terbaik untuk sahabat, keluarga kita. Tapi jangan sampai kita terbawa-bawa dengan semua itu.

Tolong jangan buat keputusan untuk manusia lain.

Terutama tanpa kerelaannya.

Mungkin kau tidak terkesan jika diperlaku sebegitu, tapi aku tak mahu. Aku tak mahu jadi boneka kau, jadi tolong berhenti. Tolong berhenti beritahu aku benda yang aku sudah tahu. Berhenti mengajar aku sesuatu yang perlu aku fahami dengan pengalaman sendiri.

Manusia punya cara dan waktu berbeza untuk belajar sesuatu yang sama.

Kau kau, aku aku.

Jadi, jujur pada aku, apa lagi yang kau aturkan untuk aku?

******************************************************

Tonight marks the 6-month of me working. Liking it? So far, not really. Hate it? Getting to. Anyhow, we don't always get what we want in life immediately, so fret not. Tough times shall pass. This shall pass and now I should go to sleep. Goodnight.

p/s: Sorry the previous section turned out to be a mix of Malay and Indo. I couldn't bother much.

Confession; a lost star

Hi. 

It's rainy today in KL. I've just washed my clothes and the sky is surely telling me that my clothes aren't gonna dry if I just hang them. So, to laundromat we have to go, later, not now. 

I actually planned to write a post when it was still raining just now but instead, I spent almost 2 hours watching the 'Confessions of a Shopaholic". So, what to write today? My confession(s). 

I've lost interest in reading books, like really really not interested anymore to read them. I bought quite a number of them but I didn’t manage to finish any books yet since I started working. Reason being? "Oh, I have got no time, I'm always tired after work, I need to sleep early" Bunch and bunch of excuses, which partly true, but the root of it is I just lost interest in it. I've lost interest in reading books, well actually in reading anything. Which you can escalate it to me being unable to write anything here. No inputs, no output right? 

So, how come I'm writing this as of now? Because I started reading again. In fact, I'm glad I picked up an interesting book for me to read, which is The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. I haven't finished it yet but the fact that I am looking forward to getting stuck in traffic so I can read a couple of pages of the book definitely means something. And reading a chapter or two in my car whenever I reached office way too early, is totally a good morning habit, I think. 

"I'm making progress. I'm making progress." --so I told myself. 

Many of you would not understand what I'm trying to convey here, but it's okay. I sometimes don't understand it myself. 

Being an adult is hard. A lot of people have been telling me that adulthood is difficult. You've got your bills, your work, commitments, your car, your friends all getting married but you're still coping to plan your finances and lots more. Yeah, all those things are true. I was one of those people who think I've got to get a job, have a lot of savings, get a car, get married etc. So, the term that my friend said to me the other day was 'autopilot'. I'm living this life on autopilot. Wakes up at 6 am, leave home to work at 7 am, comes back at 7 pm, sleep at 10 or 11 pm and the patterns repeat itself every day for 5 days. The more I'm adapting to this routine, the more empty I'm feeling. 

So, I took a step out from the busy train and reflect. I've changed. I've seen myself drinking coffee just to drink it, not to enjoy the smell and sensation from it. I've seen myself being distant from friends, being unable to catch up with what really is happening in their life. I've seen myself to be someone more selfish, that thinks of herself superior than others because of what she does. I've seen myself going through the traffic for 1 hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening, driving like as if it was a routine programme with nothing interesting. I've seen myself spending my weekend at home, fearing I lost all the energy to work the coming week. I've seen myself, changed from a bit interesting to a dull person. 

Okay, this is getting a little bit depressing and self-loathe. But anyway, the thing is I realise that I couldn’t find the meaning of what I do. Yes, yes, my work cover a lot of the percentage of my life. Though, there's a period of time to pass before I can change it. So, I decided to change my way of thoughts on things. I need to be happy again. I don't want not being able to feel anything. I want to enjoy life, to make mistakes, to learn new thing, just that, all those won't happen in just in a blink of an eye. 

Those Sydney days~

I really believe that in life, we might get sidetrack from doing what we have interest in. Sometimes, we put too much effort in it, that we could no longer appreciate it. One example would be having coffee. Sometimes, I think I drink too much cup of coffee that I could not remember which flavors excite me best? Was it the bitterness, or the chocolaty or the nuttiness of the blend? Tbh, right now I'm still unsure. That's when I know I need to detox myself and give time for myself to rediscover. To rediscover my passions and interests. I trust that we need to always refresh our aim, our vision in this life. What I really want? Is this all worth my time? Would I want to be define as this? 

I think this is more than enough of a post. Sorry, it doesn’t come to a conclusion. But hey, just to let you know. We are all in this together. Sometimes talking to another person can inspire you to what you want to do. Just keep in mind that relationship with God is very important. 

One day I was behind the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) [riding on the same mount] and he said, “O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” It was related by at-Tirmidhi, who said it was a good and sound hadeeth. Another narration, other than that of Tirmidhi, reads: Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. Recognize and acknowledge Allah in times of ease and prosperity, and He will remember you in times of adversity. And know that what has passed you by [and you have failed to attain] was not going to befall you, and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and hardship with ease. 

- Hadith 19, Imam Nawawi

collateral beauty

Hi. 

Have you guys watched 'Collateral Beauty' with Keira Knightley in it as 'Love'? If you haven't, you should check it out. As for me, I like the idea behind the movie which was to find meaning after a damage has occurred. For example, whenever something 'bad' happens to us, there's always something 'good' that attached to it. And we just need to find that out. Haha right, so easy to understand but usually difficult to practice. Yeah, totally easier said than done ey? Hm 

Though, this post was never meant to talk on that. It just that; I used the same title when I wrote about my first and last (?) coffee session with Jake. Probably because it felt good but terrifying at the same time. As if I would be broken soon with this temporary feeling. (Crappy much? Tell me about it haha) 

Anyway, I was going through my 2016/2017 journal when I came across this: 

13th May 2017, for Jake

It seems that I already expect that it was not going to work A YEAR AGO. Though seriously guys, I'm still friends with him, don't have to be so overdramatic about it haha. So much of "….. I'll have to leave if it's going to break me." Haha, Sabrina in 2017 is so not chill. Not to say Sabrina in 2018 has changed a lot, but come on, you just don’t remain the same every year. For starter, Sabrina in 2018 already started work and man, she's so busy and tired (mostly) that her main aim when she finishes work is to sleep haha :p (I think I only managed to finish 1 book since working *smh) 

Coming back; if you already did whatever seems fit and best from you, then you leave the rest to God, why would the result break you? After all, if it was meant to be, it will be and if it wasn’t, it will never be, inshaAllah. And with what power do we have to change that? And since this 'attempt to be in love' didn’t work out for me, I just had to embrace the beauty behind it (read: now I know what kind of guy is attractive to me haha, before this I was clueless lol). 

So, take-home message? When it comes to the matter of the heart, do whatever you can and necessary, and leave it to God. If it does not work out? Take time to heal and look forward. This Dunya is temporary after all ey? :D

Enough of crappy stuffs, bye pipols.

45 days of cherries reflection

Hello.

Some of you might already know that I went to work in a cherry factory last December, to earn money for life after graduation. To those who just knew, yeah, I did work as a cherry sorter for 6 weeks. Thankful that I got the student visa privilege, that I am legally allowed to work in Australia and managed to be in this humbling experience. 

Anyway, during this period of time working, I did A LOT of reflection and thinking. One part because I didn't bring my laptop, so you get it, and there's a very limited mobile coverage there, so I spent most of my free time; reading books or pretending to be scrolling my phone while I'm thinking about a lot of stuff haha which later on I jot down in my notebook during breakfast.

But you see, my brain has a limited capacity in remembering things that I already thought of, that's why I needed the notebook. The thing is, I just got my hand on the notebook, which I packed in the boxes for shipping, and rereading those notes haha I tell you I was surprised I got to think like that. Impressive how spending a month and a half in a small cottage with not much accessibility can do to our minds!

Though, I'm not really going to go through everything. Just gonna summarised a few incidents and things here. (BTW I think I lost touch with blogging, I feel so alienated by myself now =O)

Serenity

• When I got on the bus to the place, I had a small conversation with an auntie. She was on her way to visit her grandkids and she always commutes every 8 weeks! So thoughtful and nice, to still be able to visit your children and grandchildren whenever you got a chance to. Made me feel a little homesick but it did put a note on my mind; to always remember that after I moved out from my parents' house, I will always come and visit them.

• 2 days without network coverage 'cause there were thunderstorms in the area. Haha it was a nice forceful mobile detox lol

• Sometimes, being in a privileged position can be quite a challenge. Especially when you are not able to empathize with others in their struggles. For example, when I did my final paper for last year, the subject itself has a very high failure rate and the exam was very difficult that I actually worried about not graduating. And when sharing this worries to someone, the response that I get was, "I honestly cannot understand how can people not graduate on time, I mean, what's the problem? I mean, I understand if you cannot get certain grades and all, but graduate? Is it because of your uni or what?" Tbh, I was not angry with her response, instead, I pity her if she really could not understand or if she really wants to comfort me but failed in uttering the comforting words. It just that, during that time, there was another girl who I knew had to extend a year to graduate, and she NEVER CHOSE OR MEANT it to be that way. Who are we, to judge after all? (Though she reminded of how short my thinking was when I first came to Australia, that was way before I knew what's life can do to us haha)

• I received a news from a friend that our mutual friend got engaged. I was so happy for her and was not even a bit hurt when she directly did not share the news with me herself. For me, their personal affairs like that, are their rights - their privacy. I mean, if she does not want me to know then I won't poke my nose into her business. Besides, I think engagement should be kept a secret or the least, to be known to nearest family members and closest friends. Haha funny when you rarely talk to me, never ever be the one who initiated the conversation with me and deemed to be told about my engagement or even demands an invitation to my nikah! I hope not to be that kind of a friend, phew!

• What kind of a person are you? When sharing things, do you put things back to the place or just left it in whatever condition you feel like? One example would be when you're using the iron, you had to unplug the TV to plug the iron cord, upon finishing, do you unplugged the iron cord and plugged back the TV or just left it be? If you chose to be the latter, have it crossed your mind that what you did, it might be inconvenient to people who want to watch the TV? And it felt like a little bit unresponsible right? Just like those who borrow things and never return back to iitsplace, aaahhhh I can't tolerate this kinda people.

Enough of sharing I think. I need to go run errands now. Write again soon (hopefully)

Finally a new post in 2018

Peace be upon you.

It's already 14th of February, 18 days since I got back from Australia for good. All praise to Him for all the rizq and guidance, for making it possible for me to finish my degree there. I actually intended to write a parting note during my flight from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur, but the only thing I managed to write are these lines:

**

My laptop showing that it's 8.39 pm but I guess in an hour, that clock setting does not apply to me anymore. I'm coming home for good this time. Alhamdulillah, I've graduated from University of Sydney after four years of struggling. Okay bye nak nangis, sambung nnt. BYE.

**

I guess at that time I was a tad bit overly emotional since I just finished watching Dangal, a story about the relationship between a father and his three daughters. I was clearly happy and glad, I got to back to mum and dad after making them proud. Frankly, those 4 years in Sydney has not all been flowers and chocolates, it is filled with thorns and storms as well. I really got to learn about a lot of things, how different people think coming from different background, how different cultures are, how similar we are to people in land down under and best part of all, I got to know myself a lot better. Thinking back about all of it, it's a bit mysterious, no, not the fishy kinda thing, but more of a pleasing surprises on all the events that occurred throughout my 4-year stay in Sydney.

A view of many memories

**

I've been planning to dedicate on a post on how to enjoy life in Sydney, tips and tricks to get cheap tickets and passes, what to do, what to check out in Sydney, but I guess the list will be a long list so I'll save it for the next post haha. I want to go sleep now Zzz

Anyway, may 2018 brings the better version of ourselves and good luck to you, in pushing yourself to the boundaries and to allow yourself to grow :) May Allah bless us all.

Goodnight.